chronic illness

feelings of being worthless…

This week has been a shit-storm of bullshit feelings of the poopy kind. First learning that my secondary insurance was suspended or cancelled. Dealing with the horrible lady from the office…Her Royal Bitchiness. I’ve been dealing with HRB for about a decade. And it’s never a nice phone conversation.  Not knowing the status of where my evaluation and payment for the Dorsal Root Ganglion Spinal Cord Stimulator would come from in the past 4 days.  Wondering if I’d be able to see my therapist next Tuesday. And not getting the feedback I was hoping for. I keep thinking of the post, maybe two posts ago about People Will Let You Down. Trying not to fall in that funk of negative “woe is me” attitude. Trying to grasp on to any root of positivity, as I fall down the Rabbit Hole of reality of the situation of my pain, chronic illnesses, government and state help, er, lack-there-of, and being awoken to the Truth of the sad, sad world, as it is, in 2018. Can I please go back to 1982-83-ish when I had just seen Star Wars III (Currently known as VI): The Battle of Endor and was totally on an Ewok-high with my first dog, Shilo? Riding my Pink Lady banana seat bike, otherwise known as my Invisible Jet, decked out in my Wonder Woman Underoos with my cowboy boots and Lasso of Truth at my side? Anyone? Anyone? Buehler?

Last night I had my first migraine in about 7 days. This was an incredible long stretch for me. Maybe the Hempworx CBD oil is taking over, venturing into the 2nd month of being on it. I was sort of bed-ridden and couldn’t get my husband’s lunch together for him, as I enjoy doing and putting little treats in there for him to make him smile during his busy work night. I’m thinking it’s because of this weeks’s stress hitting. And I had shitty thoughts while attempting to go to bed last night, but just lay there with occasional tears running down my face into my pillow, not able to get a full (good?) cry on and get it out.

Sometimes I wish I could just fade away and not bother anybody anymore, which is how it feels. At the same time, I feel like the co-star in The Wedding Singer who just wants someone to hug him and tell him everything is gonna be ok.  (Watch the clip here: TWS: Everything will be alright .) This is how it feels to have a Chronic Physical Illness sprinkled with mental health bullshit.

I’ve been Strattera-free for about a week or so, after about 5 years of being on it daily. Are these feelings from the lack of that medication compiled with the losing my insurance stress? Add in a heater that crapped out and frozen pipes in the kitchen and bathroom Wednesday and a frozen toilet pipe today? The financial burden for having a chronic illness is amazing. You constantly have to be a hoop-jumper to prove your pain. To prove you have physical issues, that you are not making them up for attention. I don’t want to be on handfulls of medications that affect my kidneys, liver, heartrate, moods, in general, my daily well-being. But I do want to be free of pain and chronic negative thinking. (Enter….CBD oil.)

As stated in a post on my private facebook account yesterday, I’d give up my chronic illnesses and spare time in an instant to be back working full time at my favorite veterinary nursing job. You don’t know how much I miss doing anesthesia and the monitoring that comes with it, the surgery assistance, the bandaging, the placement of IV catheters, drawing blood. Looking a gross specimens through the microscope….my beloved microscope.  Healing animals of their hurt and getting them back on track to wellness and being happy with their parents is a memory I treasure deep in my heart. Working my part time job at the emergency veterinary clinic was just as much fun and contribution to the world as my full time job.

Now, what do I have to contribute? I haven’t been able to go hiking since I don’t know when, but prior to my horrible ankle sprain in 2008. I haven’t been able to do ballet multiple times a week for almost a decade, due to that sprain and other traumatic things I have written about in previous posts. I saw the foot surgeon for my (about) 3 month post-op check up.  I see him again in April. I have to continue with padding, deep tissue massage (daily), and seeing pain management for the CRPS/RSD. Return to ballet is not out of the question yet. (I’ve been dancing since 1980, and was even a teacher 2005-2009.) Daily stretching and yoga poses have been all I can do. I haven’t returned to walking our dog yet. And now with freezing temperatures, I probably won’t for a while.

What I have been continuing to do is do meditation with the Insight Timer app and also starting The Year of Mindfulness with Sounds True. I’m also trying to power through Chronic Babe 101 by Jenni Grover. Trying not to isolate has been really hard since last night.  I’m sure what else to do.  I wrote to someone in a private group about their struggles with a pain issue….it felt good to let them know they are not alone in their feelings and struggles. I just wish I could get back to how I was, but these struggles have contributed to who I have become, and who my husband fell in love with. We had met at the beginning of my chronic illness struggle. He also watched me dance and do ballet. If I could just get back…but the pain in my foot…sigh…

Take Care, Be as Well As Possible, And Until Next Time…





4 thoughts on “feelings of being worthless…”

  1. BD, on Wednesday I got certified for the MM card! Although there is hope, there is no guarantee, but I, like you, am tired of the Rx chemicals rotting my liver & kidneys, and now I have moved on to Colitis as opposed to just IBS-D. I go 2x in February for more injections in my neck & back (8 in ea and under general anesthesia). I thought after my spinal fusion 8 months ago I was done with that! I am in pain every day since my surgery as opposed to pain only when bending, walking, standing, gardening, etc. I hear what you’re saying. The one difference between us is that I do have insurance through my husband’s employer (even as a retired employee we both have ins.) The situation of health insurance in our country is truly a sad affair😞 I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers & if you want any info on the MM card, send me a message. Shalom!!!❤


  2. Oh my beloved friend how those words cut like a knife. The 19th of Dec. I wrote something, but didn’t have the courage to post it. I’m in a deep dark hole of depression. Always questioning “why am I even here, if only to suffer”. By no means am I suicidal. The place I wanted to go to for therapy(where Bec works) is booked. Today I found out that insurance denied my claim to have my upper teeth removed(CVS ruined my teeth and I haven’t been able to smile for YEARS). I basically live in my bed. Daily chronic pain, CVS and depression are all too much for me to handle. I really need to blog again. An outlet to let it all fucking out. But I will only share it with a few folks if I do start one as there are some that I don’t want knowing my thoughts and feelings. You are so loved and I wished we lived closer as we could cry on each others shoulders. I know we only met once in person, but I do love you. You have a friend for life in me.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.